In a few weeks time my 50th
year will draw to an end. It has been an eventful year, not only on
the work front, but on the emotional, physical and life style front.
The biggest event has been
the arrival of the menopause! I had a sneaky feeling something had
been brewing for the past 6 months. I had been given little hints via
occasional hot flushes in the morning, PMT that lasted longer than I
remembered, nights where I awoke at 2am to stare at the ceiling for
hours upon end, awake and unable to sleep even though some nights my
body cried out in exhaustion, begging for sleep.
In the beginning I felt that
these things were minor, not really that trouble some, just mildly
annoying, irritating. I checked with the Doctor, started acquiring some
information via the net, I read books, talked to my friends who had
already experienced what was about to happen to me and asked their
advice.
I purchased Natural
Progesterone in the form of a cream, I stocked up on Vitamin B
complexes to boost my immune system. I set about an exercise plan to
beat the dreaded osteoporosis, cut out dairy, added more seeds and
nuts to my already pretty healthy vegetarian diet. I was ready … or
so I thought ...... but I was not ready for the mental and mine filled
roll-a-coaster that descended upon me during the month of December.
.
No one had told me, or
rather I had not fully understood, the true depths and horrors of the
PIT. I was definitely not ready nor prepared for the self swallowing,
helter-skelter of depression that descended to spiral me out of
control and into the depths of despair and hopelessness. The PIT that
absorbed my very essence, wiped out my world, evaporated everything I
have ever achieved and threw me physically, mentally and any other
way that has ever existed to man and womankind, into a yawning,
gaping, bottomless hole.
I sat isolated and alone in
my dark, dank, PIT as the weeks crawled past, I stared at the walls
as they grew higher around me, I looked down at the floor as it oozed
and bubbled around my knees, sucking me deeper and deeper into a
quagmire of darkened emotions. I felt trapped, alone, a failure to my
dreams, a disappointment to my friends, no direction, no aims, no
dreams nor ambitions left.
Then, just as I felt things
could get no worse, the Flu hit me from behind, a final blow to make
sure any fight that could have been lingering below the surface was
well and truly drowned out of existence. Now as I sat within the cold,
black PIT, I alternated between shivering and sweating until
exhaustion overtook me and the last of my will failed me.
A frightening coldness
surrounded and then engulfed me, the assurance of sun and warmth faded
from my memory, despair and sadness became the only constant of each day. The mire had reached my neck when my mind finally snapped.
The blur of the days that
followed is still a blur and will possibly always remain a blur. The
trip to India was postponed, tears and fears were shed, life was put
on hold as I searched desperatly for something to cling to.
*******************************
It has now been three long
slow weeks since my crash. Bit by tiny bit I am finding my way back
into the grey light. Decisions that I once bounced around with ease
are so difficult to make, I find I analyse everything to the point of
destruction, doubting each decision, questioning the future until I
am too afraid to think about it any-more.
For the past week I have
been making meters and meters of bunting from recycled quilt covers, not because I want
bunting but because if I do not 'DO something for the hours that fill each day, I
will spend that time thinking, analysing, questioning until my mind
turns to mush and I have no fight left.
Yet deep down inside this
shell of who I once was, I know I still exist. Between the waves of
fatigue and sadness, motes of light dance just out of reach. I know
they are there, just as I know I will come out of this. New ideas
will come, new dreams, new beliefs, new hopes. I am not out
of the PIT quite yet but as each new day brings more and more things
to shovel down upon me I am beginning to understand that I need to be
patient. I do not need to be afraid, I just need to allow some time
for things to settle.
As each wheel barrow of
emotions is thrown into the PIT, I will be able to climb up upon each
layer, I can use the piles of debris, step by step, foot by foot,
until at last the pit will be no more. If I take my time, if I do
this right, I can stop myself becoming buried beneath the piles of
rubble. Instead, one day in the near future, I shall find myself
standing on top of it all, ready to step forward and away from the
emotionally filled PIT,
I just have to be patient.
