Meditation troubles

The trouble with Meditation is that 'it' and I do not seem to be in the same library let alone reading the same book or on the same page!!

Having worked my little cotton socks off in a most satisfying way over on South Cliff, transforming the garden from a rather over grown landscape to what I saw as a fabulous clear area full of various raised bed that were packed with seedling vegetable and flower cuttings, I now found myself taking over half a dozen other projects …... that in my eyes needed sorting.

Each one was a challenge, each one took time but I loved being busy and so I thought nothing of it.

Peter had now returned to the UK but I still had a few days until I was due to move into Steve's old flat and so I continued to look for things to do until I was instructed by a caring Steve to slow down and meditate for at least one hour a day.

He even gave me a mantra to recite as I sat in quiet contemplation of the moment. “There is Nothing to DO” repeated in a slow clear voice while holding my mala beads. 

One repetition for each of the 108 beads over and over again for an hour.

Deep down I knew this was going to be a challenge before I even attempted it but, trusting that Steve as a healer knew what I needed, I climbed onto the roof of the house 

(the flat roof that is, one mustn’t get too drastic about finding a quiet spot to meditate in)

 sat comfortably and with the beads firmly grasped between my thumb and second finger I began.

“There is Nothing to DO!" 

…..I looked out over the flat roof noting the many fallen leaves that lay scattered over the 30m squared area. 

Well, I told myself, once I pick up those leaves there will be nothing to do.

I picked up the leaves pleased with the now clear vista and sat back down.


“There is Nothing to DO!" …... a leaf fluttered down and settled in the dust beside me. I resisted the immediate urge to pick up the leaf but as I gazed at its form I noted that the roof could really do with a good sweep!


I wrestled for a while with the near overwhelming need to popping down the stairs to fetch the sweeping brush eventually settling on a plan to file the job away in my already overworked sub conscious as a job to do after There is Nothing to DO was done!!


“There is Nothing to DO!" ….......

As I looked out over the roof space averting my gaze from the fallen leaf plus its companion that had fluttered down to join it, I realised I could reach the tops of some of the many huge trees that surrounded the house from up here and a stray thought popped into my head …

...... if I trimmed those branches those trees would look so much better plus there would be less leaves to pick up.


I concentrated harder.


“There is Nothing to DO!" …..

..... My mind slipped again allowing the thought that I needed to pick up drinking water for the yoga studio on my way to the cliff later.


Another job was added to my personal mental list and I concentrated once more.


“There is Nothing to DO!”

Two whole minutes passed as I struggled to focus on my mantra and then my mind rebelled! 

This is ridiculous the many voices cried, there is loads to do!

Leaves fall throughout the day and need picking up, the burning pit needs lighting and then digging out. 

The flower beds need weeding, everything needs sweeping and watering, there are more seeds to plant, the stone wall needs a good scrub let alone the steps to the roof although the rest of the steps are looking great since I scrubbed them a week ago, the balcony needs cleaning and that is even before I go inside the house!! 

I may as well chant "I have a Huge purple wart on my nose!!"


“There is Nothing to DO!”


I struggled on repeating the mantra another 102 times with about 98 mental interruptions as I thought of things I could, should, would like to be doing rather than sitting on a roof that by now was covered with a totally fresh scattering of leaves and goodness knows how much fresh dust saying there was nothing to do!

I looked at the clock beside me … ten whole minutes had past!!! 

There was no way I could manage another fifty!! 

I closed my eyes.

“There is Nothing to DO!”


My mind was quiet.


“There is Nothing to DO!”


Without my sight my mind actually didn't answer back!!


“There is Nothing to DO! ….. There is Nothing to DO! …. There is Nothing to DO!”


I yawned and continued.....


“There is Nothing to DO ....... There is Nothing to DO …. There is Nothing to DO!”


I yawned again but my mind, apart from acknowledging the tiredness attached to the yawn, was quiet (if a bit dismissive of the actual words being said).


“There is Nothing to DO ....... There is Nothing to DO …. There is Nothing to DO!”

One by one the mantra was repeated, the yawns becoming so frequent that by the end of the 108 repetitions I was yawning between every chant.

I reached the last bead in the round and looked at the clock. 

Another ten minutes had passed, yet now I was satisfied that I had at last mastered my mind. 

I lay down to rest for a moment …. and promptly woke up 40 minutes later!!!


“There is Nothing to DO!" ................... The battle started again.

“There is Nothing to DO" …...... By now I was awake and my mind raced through a list of things that I hadn't even realised needed doing until this point.


“There is Nothing to DO!”


I desperately needed a different mantra. 

Until now all the chatter and conversation that constantly babbled away within my head had at least been manageable but this new mantra was causing so much conflict that new voices and ideas were rushing around all trying to beat the mantra down!!

I choose to Do Nothing? ….. Well that's nearly as crazy as the first mantra my internal voices screamed. 

You're breathing, thinking, planning, digesting, growing, etc etc etc!!


I then recited about ten 'There is Nothing to DO's before I realised I wasn't even listening any more so busy was I listing all the things I was doing while trying to do nothing.

"There is Nothing I want to DO?" …

....... No that doesn't work either the voices laughed as everything I am thinking of doing would be better, in my and their opinion, if I did them straight away rather than sitting here putting it all off until later.

I abandoned the chanting, let the voices run away with themselves and thought.


What had triggered this advice to meditate and chant, to slow down? 

DID I actually need to slow down?

Why did I need to slow down?

Because others were afraid I was over doing it?

Was I over doing it?


I was pushing myself pretty hard but I was also getting a buzz seeing everything transform........... but was it my responsibility to make everything change? 

Was I actually helping people by getting all those things that I felt needed doing done, rather than letting others do things for themselves?


The words of a friend echoed in my head. The more you do the less others get to do, sooner or later the doing becomes expected, THEN you'll get tired! 

Then you'll get resentful and sooner or later you'll either explode or run away!


(The story of my life!!)


But how to let go?

How to remember to let go?

How to remember not to take over in the first place?

The saying 'Not my Circus not my Monkey', popped into my head. 

If I spent more time dealing with my own monkeys and gave everyone the chance to sort out their own circuses would life get simpler?


“Not my Circus, not my Monkey!”


“Not my Circus, not my Monkey!”

The word Monkey didn't sit comfortably as I thought of all the lovely people around me, in what I perceived to see as struggles that I could 'help' sort out.

“Not my Circus, not my Lions?"

"Not my Circus, not my Clowns?”


I smiled.


“Not my Circus, not my Clowns …

... Not my Circus, not my Clowns ….

... Not my Circus, not my Clowns”

Yes I still had plenty of things to Do but for one hour I was content to let them wait while the Ring master in me let go of my many gathered circuses.

Between my chants I silently wished all the wonderful clowns I knew and loved, the very best with their own circus rings and mentally allowed (ok forced) myself to step back a few feet. 

I would stop my unsolicited 'helping' (interfering) and that in turn would allow the gifted people I knew the space to sort out their own performances.


“Not my Circus, not my Clowns”


“Not my Circus, not my Clown?”


Maybe I could do this after all …...


“Not my Circus, not my Clowns”


“Not my Circus, not my Clowns”


A story to be continued .......