Leaving / Searching

Eat, Pray, Love. For those of you who have read the book - skip the film. For those of you who have seen the film, read the book as you are missing so much more!

I first read the book while sitting on the shores on Moorea. A good friend had left it there especially for me to read. (Law of Attraction?) At the time I read the book in the same vein that I read most of the books there, as an entertaining yet moving story. It is only 10 months later that I realise that I am living my own version of it.



Like the book, when I look around me I have everything I have strived for. I have a house that I rent out, a second house that I live in, a grown family who are independent, happy and successful in their fields. I have a second family who love and support me, a husband who will do anything for me, a successful business that we both share, past-times to keep me mentally and physically stimulated. And yet there are days when I too look in the mirror and ask is this 'IT'?

Unlike the book, I do not need to battle my way out of things to go in search of what is out there and, more importantly, what is in me. As I said I have the most understanding family going and it is with their blessing that I begin/continue, my journey of discovery.

This is also not the first time I have tried this! Eighteen months ago I sat in an airport wondering what on earth I was doing. I had given away everything I owned save the 28kg that I had just dragged through customs, I had walked away from everything I knew and was heading out to discover a life style different from anything I had every experienced. I returned ten months later a different person yet still not sure of what I had been looking for.


Many of us dream of travel, of packing a small bag and just walking away into the sun-set. Escapism? Dreams? Desires? There are many reasons some of us do it, and even more reasons why some of us don't. Travel has been my ultimate 'running away' since I can remember. I don't mind where I go as long as I go somewhere. I have called it exploration, deserved time-out, educational stimulus, cultural discovery. And yet every time I discover, experience and eventually return I have found myself thinking, Was that IT?

Like many, I don't think I actually know what it is I am looking for. I know what I don't want each time I find it, but the fine specifics of what I 'do want' still evades me.


The Law of Attraction, the Way of the Universe, Positive Thinking, Control your Own Destiny. All these theories are wonderful, workable and believe me attainable. Too many amazing things have happened to me over the years for me not to believe. A quick visit to U-tube can access some of the most stimulating talks by experts in the field of positivity. And yet I still struggle to discover what it is that I actually WANT.



In the closing scene of the film Titanic the camera scans the room that our heroine is lying in. Pictures of her riding a horse, flying a plane, achieving so many things in the life that she was saved to live. My children left home the same year as the films release and in a moment of empty-nest syndrome I wrote down (as a who am I exercise) all the things that I had done over the years. Mother, motorbikes, parachutes, diver, cook, business woman, tipi maker, horse rider, the list soon covered 2 pages of A4.

Jack of all Trades master of none became my motto. In every field I have ventured into I realised I had been successful, in some things more than others. I have also, at some point, walked away from each experience yet I have no regrets as they have all served a purpose in my life at that time. Each experience was special to the moment. Some experiences lasted years and still bring pleasure, some fulfilled fleeting moments of passion, diving out of a plane with a parachute that I had packed myself being a classic example. I love Parachute jumping. I trained first in my 30s and then again in my 40s but unlike the thousands who absorb this hobby with a passion that fills their lives with ongoing pleasure, I discovered that even though it was wonderful, it wasn't quite what I was looking for.

Been there, Done that', is beginning to haunt me! Bee Keeper, Self Employed Business Entrepreneur, Market Stall Co-ordinator, Earth Mother, Festival Worker, Hotel Manager, Nurse, my C.V. is most impressive!


And so to the next stage of my life, the travel stage. Last year I spent 10 months living on the Island of Moorea. The life was idyllic. I lived in the most amazing beach fronted property free from any bills, I sang in some of the top hotels in Moorea and got paid, I dived at one of the worlds most recommended locations. I discovered my father and a little more about myself.


Yet that same thought came back to haunt me. Is this 'IT'? Is this all there is? And so I returned to Wales to look again. I got married, became a Taxi driver immersing myself in the business, I re-designed a house, set my Welsh life in order, then sat down and thought Is this 'IT'?



And so I begin again. In my version of Eat, Pray, Love, I begin with Pray. I arrive in India in a few days time to travel through some of the most sacred sites. I will stay in Vrindhvan, where Krsna spent his youth, I will travel to the Taj Mahal and bath in the Ganges. I will visit Pushka, site of the Great Camel Fair (which I plan to miss by a week!) where Brahman dropped three lotus petals to form the three lakes. I will travel from Dehli to the coastal town of Dwarka, stopping at temples along the way. What am I looking for? Like the book, at this stage I don't know but I hope to find out!